Stuff I’m learning

So I had a positive result on the home test 4 days ago, and confirmation yesterday.  The last four days have been a learning experience, in more ways than one.  Here’s what I’ve picked up/noticed.

1) 6-week old embryos apparently look like aliens.  Not cute aliens, either.  Freaky “WTF is that actually inside of me?!?!??” aliens.

2) I’ve become very, very body-conscious.  Not body-conscious in the “oh god do I look fat?” sense, just in the “noticing EVERYTHING” sense.  (Which is where at least half of these come from.)  This comes with its own built-in paranoia; everything, every twinge, every minor case of gas, has me awake half the night, terrified that something has gone horribly wrong.  (And then when I don’t hurt, it’s worse, because isn’t it supposed to feel weird?  Aren’t I pregnant?  Oh god has something gone horribly wrong???)

3) Morning sickness??  What morning sickness.  I feel GREAT in the morning.  Best I’ll feel all day.  …No, I have “rest-of-the-goddamn-day” sickness.  Ohh, Seagram’s ginger ale, you are my only friend…

4) Naps?  Naps are Serious Business.  It does not matter if I’ve made plans to do stuff with friends or if I have things I want to get done, when my body says “we’re going to sleep now,” it means it’s time to lay the fuck down.

5)  Cats do not, in fact, carry the plague.  Fact: cats get toxoplasma gondii from eating raw meat, like mice.  Fact: humans get the same from either eating raw/undercooked meat, or by handling (and accidentally ingesting… eww) infected cat feces.  Fact: if you’re ever infected with it (say, before getting pregnant), you develop immunities and it’s therefore not an issue anymore.  Fact: my cats don’t go outside, eat only kibble, and wouldn’t know what to do with a mouse if one did get into the house anyway.  Fact: I’ve been eating medium-rare beef since I realized it was an option.  Conclusion: I’ve almost certainly  been exposed to toxoplasma gondii before, and therefore have the immunities – and even if I didn’t, the chance of getting it from my cats is very slim.

Corollary: please don’t tell me not to let the kitties get up in my face.  They may pretend to hate it when I scoop them up and cuddle them, but if I don’t do it for 24 hours they get mopey and clingy.

6)  FRUIT.  Fruit is amazing.  On my desk right now I have a banana (BANANA!), an orange, and a bowl of strawberries, all of which I know will be gone before the end of the day.  I guess as cravings go, I could do worse than fresh produce.

7)  Other than kitties, apparently everything I love is bad for the baby.  Rare beef.  Sushi.  Feta cheese.  Caffeine.  Motorcycles.  Loud, smoke-filled bars.  And let’s not even get into alcohol… (oddly, despite my love for hard liquor, you know what I’m really mourning the loss of?  Beer.  Beer and wine.  I think it’s because my brain sees those as more “social” drinks.  Not drinking vodka means not doing something that, honestly, I probably shouldn’t have been doing anyway.  But not drinking beer, subconsciously, means not hanging out singing karaoke and shooting pool with my friends, and not drinking wine means not chilling on the back porch with my mom.  I know, I don’t NEED beer or wine to do either of those things, but try telling my brain that.)  On the other hand, apparently decaf coffee fulfills the same psychological niche as regular, so long as I don’t think about it.

8)  Apparently, pregnant breasts are NO-TOUCHY! breasts.  Who knew?

9)  When you are pregnant, everyone is smarter than you.  EVERYONE.  It doesn’t matter if they’ve had medical training, if they’ve ever even given birth before, even if they’ve ever been around a pregnant woman before.  They are smarter than you.  Especially if they have the google.

At least, they certainly think they are.  And feel compelled to share their wisdom with you, whether you want them to or not.

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