There were no white horses

So this was how you got married to a king.  It all got arranged for you.  There were no white horses.  The past flipped straight into the future, carrying you with it.

– Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

It’s kinda like that.

Spouse-man and I, while not actively trying for a kid, had decided we weren’t going to actively prevent it either, and if it happened, it happened.  I knew this.  Intellectually, I knew it, and I knew it could happen at any time. 

And yet…

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I guess I just assumed there would be… more.  Like we’d decide.  We’d, I dunno, clasp hands and look meaningfully into each other’s eyes and chant something solemn, light a candle to Eisheth or something, and make sweet and soulful love… and afterwards I would just know that I was pregnant.  Or something like that. 

Instead I was just riding my bike in to work, trying to shake off nausea for the umpteenth day in a row and bemoaning the fact that I apparently needed a new bra, this one was starting to make my breasts hurt… and it was basically on a whim that I decided to stop in to the store and buy a pregnancy test, just a quiet “hmm, I wonder if?” in the back of my mind, nothing more.

And now, 5 days later and I’m weighing my options for pre-natal care and wondering what color to paint the baby’s room and planning how to afford a car and calculating things like If I have this cup of coffee with breakfast, can I still have a diet Coke with lunch or is that too much caffeine?  And it’s just… it’s so FAST!  There was no transition.  I got a half hour of wandering around outside on my lunch break staring dazedly up at the sky, I got one lunch with my parents where my mom freaked out and started hugging us, and then… life just kept happening, only now it’s suddenly life where I’m pregnant.

Shouldn’t there have been something?  This is literally going to change the entire rest of my life; shouldn’t the heavens have opened and the angels sang or something?  Not just this clinical matter-of-fact-ness?

Shouldn’t there have been white horses?

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One thought on “There were no white horses

  1. I know this is rather late to respond to it, but I think that with all things that change our lives, we kind of expect more than what actually happens. We expect the big announcement, that sign, and it does not always come.

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