Things babies do to f*ck with their parents…

  • Grab your finger, suddenly jab themselves in the face with the sharp end of your fingernail, and then get mad at you for hurting them.
  • Cry steadily from 2 am to 4 am, then – after two hours of feeding, changing, singing, rocking, and cuddling – when they’re finally ready to be put back in the crib, get mad at you for keeping them awake.
  • Develop a steady sleep schedule; maintain it long enough to lull you into a false sense of security.  Then suddenly change it up, because HAHA, SUCKERS!
  • Cry because they’re tired and need a nap.  Then cry because you’re putting them into the crib for a nap, and they don’t wanna.
  • Pitch a small screaming fit demanding a bottle.  Then, once presented with it, take one sip, smile, and refuse to drink anymore.  (Unless, god forbid, you try to put it back in the kitchen – then they want it again.)
  • Pretend to cough, just to see your reaction.
  • Pretend to choke, just to see your reaction.
  • Refuse to run a detectable fever, no matter how many times you check, until after you drop them off at daycare – just so you look like the bad mom who didn’t notice her kid was burning up!
  • Get mad at you for refusing to let them crawl off your lap/the chair/the table and fall to their doom.
  • Ignore the 15 interesting, brightly-colored, noisy, baby-safe toys within easy reach, instead focusing on – and stretching their arms out of their sockets trying to reach – the one dangerous, fragile, and/or messy thing in the room.
  • Lick everything.  Including shoes, cats, other babies, and random strangers in the checkout line.
  • Be perfectly happy playing all by themselves without you – unless, god forbid, you try to do dishes or read a book or do anything other than sit there and silently watch them!
  • Gymnastics.
  • Yoga.
  • Spit out pacifiers with enough force and accuracy to hit the person at the next table.
  • Develop a sudden intense and incurable longing for whichever parent is currently the busiest, and an equally intense dissatisfaction with the other.
  • Flirt with, and occasionally attempt to run off with, total strangers.
  • Develop an avid interest in the contents of your friends’ noses.
  • Smack and/or claw you, hard, in the face, then laugh at the noises of pain you make.
  • Cry because they want to be changed, then cry because they don’t want to be on the changing table.

I need a nap…


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